Time Wasted…

I have so much time wasted, I just realized and its time for me to move on..But build another new confidence, make my self more stronger again day by day is the hardest things to do and I’m tired makin fake smile every single day to cover disappointment..Recently theres somethin hold my back and it become mountains of sadness..I’m going to say I’m completely okay but the fact is I’m not okay at all..

And things really went so bad for me tonite the moment I saw it and got cried all night cause I can’t stand to see it, theres a soft devil voice teasin inside my head said it could be you..Yeah things really sucks when your only able to stand watch and stay behind all the time waiting for someone who really love you come to the line and have a pity to choose!

I will found someone like you maybe?? Well I don’t want find someone like you who left cause I ain’t perfect..

But honestly, I’m really happy that she gave somethin that I can’t give to you after all those time..Its just a little envy which I can’t avoid and I’m hating my self for not being strong like I used to be..

When all the lights off and I’m covered by ash, no one will see cause I’m just an empty broken bulb..I’m thinkin why God so choosy and give too much test to be done and all I ask is only simple tiny things, I just wanna to be love by someone I love..If you really feel me inside my God, your the one who truly know my pain and how much I wounded..

Silly Man, This is HIM!!

If there is someone I always called silly man then this is him!!! If he knows I posted this he could be kill me :D

Hey, thanks for comin into my crazy life accidentally and bring smile, who knows that we could be friend for almost a year..Life sometimes is so damn weird to live with!! I love yaaaa big!!!

Wish you to be happy!!

Someone who’s being part of my life seven years ago have been married again finally last february, congrats to him!! And someone from my last relationship have met someone, fall in love, got engaged and ready to be married in couple months..

Its kinda surprise me, little bit shock which I never guess why the guys got their own luck first instead of me..But if I said so it makes me not having any blast in my life which is shame on me!! I envy them and I can’t do that its not fair..

So best of luck for you both!! Give my son a little brother or sister and for the other one give your upcoming wife happiness and quality time to be share together cause I know you too well, your a super busy man but still I always believe that you have a good heart, wish you to be happy!!

As for my self, wish I hope I find someone someday and stay far away from this traffic city..I wanna start my new life far from this country, pray for the best for me!

Story before New Year’11

Its been a while, maybe months that I haven’t write my blog..Okay so much to tell, where do I begin??!!

Hmm start with “Boy” topic, okay I found a new guy couple months ago, his so adorable, crazy weird in funny way and lovable..But I have no idea is he gonna be love of my life next?! I think he is already love of my world now but I’m still found out for that thing..As a matter a fact I will visit him in Guam next year *got my us visa already*!! Some people think his just ordinary guy, I’m way over dreamin but for me his so very very special and I will try my best..Why?! I have no idea why someone who live thousand miles from here have good intention keeping good communication for every single day, yupp EVERY SINGLE DAY, his done amazing things for me!! And honestly I don’t even care if some people want to judge my life, screw what other people think, I’m happy with this and when I’m sad or disappointed later maybe I will cry and not feeling sorry at all, if its not meant to be then its not meant to be, its simple..

For “Friendship”, me and the girls..We have some difficulty moment and yes we already get over it..I just love them, they maybe the persons who really know every single detail of my life history..So, I hope the friendship won’t get over until we died..Yes we still have schedule for traveling every year and yes we are still crazy shopper for sure!! Me and the girls, you can’t separate us, we are crazy and we are totally rocks for sure!! We all waiting for our love comin into life, hopefully next year will be a good year to start relationship, I really hope they find Mr.Middle?! Why Middle? Cause there is no Mr. Right..Keep your mind simple and be happy for now girls :D

My sweetest boy!! He will be 9 years old next Jan’11..I love my boy so much and he love me also..His gettin bigger and more wiser, dear God thank you for giving me AMAZING SON into my life..Hopefully your new mommy will be nice to you or I will take my gun and start to shoot her or choke with my bare hand!! Trust me I will do that!! I’m so horror..Hahahahaa

Love, friendship, family..Good times and hard times, its a never ending stories!! Well this stories of my life, some of it..I can’t wait for 2011, can’t wait for my future vacation, for what is gonna happen next, will I find Mr. Middle??!! Only God know that, my dear God give something to smile for next year, a husband and a bonus cute baby girl which I wanna so badly..I love you my God, thank you for every single thing happen in my life the bad ones and the good ones, appreaciated :)

Why? I don’t Get It..

Gue selalu berpikir kenapa seseorang bisa dengan mudah membuang seseorang dari hidupnya..Pertanyaan ini yang selalu tidak pernah mendapatkan jawaban yang memuaskan, dan berakhir dengan jawaban karena saya ingin yang terbaik buat kamu?! Klise, kenapa tidak merasa baik untuk pasangannya dan berpikir akan ada yang lebih baik dari dirinya..

Gue marah?! Jelas dengan amat sangat..Gue memberikan segala rasa kepada satu orang yang merasa dirinya tidak bisa membahagiakan diri gue, yang merasa dirinya akan lebih baik kalau merelakan diri gue untuk orang lain ketimbang dirinya..Puncaknya ketika dia merasakan kecemburuan, his hurt he said, why don’t you ask me? Do I  hurted same like he felt?! Yes I do, lot more than you do..

Gue menunggu sampai dia bisa kembali ke gue, tapi tidak pernah sama sekali  gue merasa dia memang menginginkan gue kembali, dan ketika ada seseorang yang berusaha mendekati gue dan kemudian dia mengetahui itu dia malah memilih untuk menjauhi gue..And I do mad at you, your so selfish..

If he do love me that much, he will ask me to be with him again but his never ask that question?! Why, I don’t get it..All I think now that I’ve never make you happy at all in our past relationship, so sorry that I’m not a good person to be with cause I’m not perfect at all..

Never Lose Hope!

Hey Ferial never lose hope on everything and now I’m talking to myself..Well I felt so bad lately, with my job situation my love life and everything mixed being one big whole complicated things..It sucks!!

I need weekend gateaway and now I’ve plan to go to some place that can get me some peacefulness for a while..

And now here I am stuck for almost 6 hours in Kuala Lumpur Airport waiting for my next flight to Philippines like zombie *don’t sleep*, am I exciting?! Of course I am, I need my “Me” time all alone..Mother of earth also know about that, I never worried again when I lose my job, I don’t worried either when I don’t have someone to share on this age because everything has their own time, if we want to be happy whatever bad things comes to us we can get rid of it, we control our own happiness not others..God always with me and shower me with lots of love..Alhamdulillah!!

Got to go I have flight to catch :D

Life to Live With it..

Well, you have never know what will happen next in your life, who you will meet next, what will you gonna do in the future..

After 1 month work as one of Operation Executive in my new company, my goals is  improved beside working hard making money and then saving it , now I’ve decided to achieve another dreams by going/moving to another country in the next couple years..I wanna go to college and taking my degree, wanna live in new environments and surrounding by many people around me which always not talks bullshit about everything and speak exactly what inside their mind..That’s what I called freedom in mind and I found it very interesting..One word “I LOVE IT”!!

Some people maybe underestimate on me, some will think I’m not capable to do that, some will say I’m dreaming in a daylight..Well one way that I know exactly that any dreams can be achieved if you really try hard for it,  even if you feel that dreams are too high, believe it God always help people who’s trying for their succeed, I know my God will help me like always and God who’s “The One” create my path in life and I live to live with it until I died one day..

Make Me Strong!

I just wanna cried in my bedroom, with dark light and no one around me..Badly, here I am in a hotel room together with my friend..I should hide this tears from her, trying to figure out where my life will gonna take?! I am so confuse, I’ve give everything, but for some people is not even enough..

I’m confuse, God please lead me on your way..I know You’ve been so good at me, I must thank for that..Now I beg  You give me the power and courage to live in this life with lots of smile, make me strong..

Bismillah..

Tobelo 4/50 Day ^^

Ini hari ke 4/50 hari gue berada di Tobelo untuk tugas operasional kantor dikota pertama yang mungkin akan memakan waktu hampir 2 minggu lamanya dan akan berlanjut ke Ambon setelah tugas dikota ini selesai..

Perjalanan gue menuju kota kecil diujung Maluku Utara ini memakan waktu hampir 12 jam lebih melewati perjalanan udara, air dan darat..Melelahkan memang, ditambah malam sebelum gue berangkat pun tidur cuma sempat 1 jam doang..My Goodness!

Tidur di jam 1 pagi bangun di jam 2 pagi kemudian mandi dan berbenah barang2x yang harus gue bawa selama perjalanan panjang 2 bulan gue ini melanglang ke Tobelo, Ambon dan mungkin akan berakhir di Dili, Timor Leste..Jam 3 pagi gue sudah meluncur ke Bandara untuk mengejar penerbangan jam 5 pagi menuju Ternate dan sempat transit di Manado..Perjalanan Jakarta – Manado memakan waktu hampir 4 jam dan didalam pesawat gue sudah merasa pegal luar biasa, nengok kanan nengok kiri, geser pantat, nunduk, tegak, tiduran..Hadeuhhhh :(

Tiba di Manado masih harus ribet pindah pesawat dan kembali menunggu sebuah pesawat kecil menuju Bandara Sutan Babullah – Ternate, jujur aja gue rada ngeri pas dengar bunyi pesawat dengan kapasitas kurang lebih 40 orang itu..Berisikkk bangett dan ditambah dengan posisi duduk gue yang kurang mengenakan disamping baling2x, droppp nyesss!! Kalo gue mati konyol dipesawat ini ngga lucu banget :D

Sampai di Ternate gue masih harus lanjut naik speedboat menuju Sofifi yang memakan waktu 30 menit dengan bayar Rp. 50.000,-..Ketika naik speedboat perasaan gue makin kagum dan tertantang..Dan setiba di Sofifi banyak banget masyarakat yang kalo kita lihat secara kasat mata mungkin kelihatan Gahar alias Garang, tapi sungguh mereka semua baik hati..Terbukti tas 30kg gue diangkat oleh salah seorang kuli tanpa meminta bayaran sama sekali plus mereka bantu cari sopir carteran gue yang namanya Rinto..

Dari Sofifi lanjut perjalanan darat secara santai menuju Tobelo yang memakan waktu 5 jam lebih dengan kondisi jalan yang sempit dan agak menakutkan..Semua mobil mengemudi dengan sangat cepat, gilaaaa..Tapi yang membuat gue terhibur pemandangan pantainya yang bikin gue menganga, I love it! Sepanjang perjalanan pun si Rinto sangatlah “BAWEL”..Mulai cerita dari pabrik emas milik Australia yang berada disana dengan segala fasilitas luar biasa yg mereka miliki like they have their own island in there, you name it they have it all in their complex area..

Buat gue perjalanan Tobelo ini sangat menantang jiwa gue, menguras tenaga gue, dan akan membuat gue eksotis untuk pastinya..Karena semua tempat yang akan gue kunjungi nanti adalah daerah dengan cuaca panas menyengat tapi dengan keindahan dan etnik yang unik dari masing2x daerah..Great adventure, that’s the only part that I love only, about my job itself?! I will try to love it first :D

Keep Playing In My Head

Have you felt useless for someone but you already did try the best to fulfill his needs? Well I did and sometimes I feel weak for doing this things..Like you standing in front of him but he never sees you, you say hello, you give him smile, you try to make him comfort, you try the best but still you don’t have place in his heart..And you always feel sad, bad and guilty after that :(

It seems, your gonna having heart attack every moment you remembered how he can be so cold..Which part of your self that’s so wrong for him? You dying to know about it..You’ve try and always keep trying to forget..But the more you trying to forget, he always keep playing in your head..And still you keep questioning what’s wrong with yourself..I’ve never get the right answer for that question!

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